home

Home is beautiful.

Sheesh, all the time.

'Is it possible for you to do anything, to experience anything, without feeling terrible and turning it into an awful situation?'

As I sit here, in a gorgeous bar outside of an independent cinema I feel guilty, like I'm doing myself a hardship, for sipping on a subtle, delicious English apple cider. As I drink this I'm probably undoing all the good I did in therapy today. Maybe I'm poisoning myself, dulling out the uncomfortable exposed honesty that emerged over the last hour.

Or, just maybe, I am enjoying a beverage, alone, in a public place, demonstrating my amazing lack of social awkwardness and being satisfied with my own company. I do feel a bit like a traveller sitting here. The same anxieties arose as before. Will I feel suitably comfortable in this cafe... Is there a gorgeous hideaway that I'm missing out on?

Yesterday I finished a beautiful drawing for a close friend. I spent the time drawing dialoguing with myself, encouraging myself to continue, against the doubts, the put downs, the discouraging thoughts of being found out as an imposter... Actually those thoughts are still hanging around. I hid it while I was at the shops looking for a frame. I thrust it at an acquaintance when I saw here, flashing it so quickly she couldn't see it, leaving me distraught that she didn't praise or encourage me.

I wrapped it beautifully, with love and care, then unable to tolerate the anticipation of polite tolerance or smug rejection of my amateur work I gave it a day early... She loved it.

She saw the thoughts.
She saw the time.
She appreciated the honesty, the work.

I'm okay, it's okay, we're okay.

this day

This woman is having a little trouble with holding her stress in her body. 

I will own it... my body aches
my forearms are taught with tension
my shoulders are joined to my neck with rubber bands made of razor blades
and there are bricks, dangling, 
dangling just between my shoulder blades, suspended from a strip of fabric tied around my forehead
providing me with the discomfort of a headache that hasn't gone away for a few weeks now. 

My belly is fully of muck
my diet is slimming
no more gluten.

I need to take good care of this vessel that I live in
indeed, I'm the one who sets the standards as to what goes in
and what comes out.

My words
my art
my breath
my intentions


Funny, I think this, I write this, then I read this from www.nbchiro.com.au:

Below is our simple five step guide to super-charging your health this week.

1. Drink only water this week. That means no coffee or soft drinks.

2. At least 30 mins of exercise everyday. This could be anything ranging from a walk, riding a bike or to more intense exercise such as a gym workout. Either way keep it fun, and mix it up.

3. Eat only non-processed and non packaged foods. In case your wondering that basically rules out 90% of the “food” in your shopping centre other than the fruit, vegetables and meats.

4. Go to bed early. Turn off TV, computer and smart phones. The bright lights and type of activity over stimulates our already hyperactive brains limiting your ability to relax and wind down.

5. Get up and move from your desk every 30 mins. Standing up and stretching will stop the progressive build up of stress and tightness in your body, in particular the neck and shoulders.

Follow these steps for the next 7 days, and I guarantee you will be amazed at the transformation.

It’s that simple. No pills, no fad diets, just common sense. 

giving then time

For a while now I have been filled with the overwhelming desire to collect all the things I have ever wanted. Almost like time is running out. 

It is not running out but I wonder if it is time to give the little me some time and energy, or just to surround me with images, sensations and memories of what it was to be a little girl. The grief that accompanies not fulfilling the fantasy of childhood, or possibly addressing my desire to fill a childhood with fantastical, delightful, loving creatures and creations. Letting the seeds of these things grow where I may have grown up too quickly...

yes, now.

I may have found my new rhythm.
Giving in to the beat, expecting less, moving as required...

It's quite fulfilling. 

I'm learning the things I have to do to maintain the flow. They are not so complex. I shall list them.

• Sleep. Lots of sleep, as much as I need.
• Use an alarm, with the volume down. There's no need to be assaulted early in the morning. 
• Play music in the car. Not just any music, beautiful music. 
• Find evidences of grace. Remember this term. It resonates.
• Observe my body, observe the ebbs and flows of energy, of emotions. Be present. 
• Learning the weak points in my days and weeks. Tuesdays are really hard for me. For now, I am going to take extra good care of myself on Tuesdays. 
• Planning clothes and meals
• Buying what I need when I need it
• Being honest with those around me about what I need
• Recreating my narratives when I tire of the hollow ones

I'm feeling really good. 

I love you.