Sunday, 29 September 2013

oh, good grief.

As I sit here in the warm spring air writing my Master's thesis on the topic of adequate self care for the psychotherapist I reflect on my long journey of establishing adequate self care practices and the many trails yet to come. 

A poignant moment in my journey of self care was the period immediately following my father's abrupt and untimely death. This was a period of great shock and depletion. A period of time that was deep and disembodied all at the same time. I found myself being quite candid and brash whilst feeling exposed and vulnerable. I became all too familiar with the sense that I was unsure what was sharing too much, or what was enough, and how to express gratitude or indeed any of the many emotions I was flooded with.  

Now, years later, I remember this period as a time I lay in bed reading Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth, desperately trying to soak in the wisdom and infuse the calm of the words into my soul. I felt I was clear minded and wide open. I now wonder just how I was, really, and how much energy I was investing in this book to contain me, to help me to make sense of the world I found myself in. This book reflected back to me what I needed from it; a cool, calm voice of reason with a trust that everything would indeed work out perfectly and that I, in the here and now, needed to land resolutely back into my body and to be present to my life's experiences as they unfolded, and as indeed I unfolded them. 

I have now been actively researching the process of taking adequate care of oneself during periods of great stress, hardship and whilst working in the highly demanding field I have chosen. Throughout this period I have discovered that we need to push ourselves and trust ourselves simultaneously, and this is not a balance easily struck. Whilst I often know intuitively what I need to practice to ensure I am well nurtured, centred and balanced, it is often the motivational force of changing habits and practices that is the most challenging part of the journey. 

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

linking the links

this is not my work

So there are apparently distinct links between high levels of empathy and high levels of depression.

Interesting.

http://www.eparg.org/publications/empathy-chapter-web.pdf 

Oops.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Monday, 25 March 2013

Sheesh, all the time.

'Is it possible for you to do anything, to experience anything, without feeling terrible and turning it into an awful situation?'

As I sit here, in a gorgeous bar outside of an independent cinema I feel guilty, like I'm doing myself a hardship, for sipping on a subtle, delicious English apple cider. As I drink this I'm probably undoing all the good I did in therapy today. Maybe I'm poisoning myself, dulling out the uncomfortable exposed honesty that emerged over the last hour.

Or, just maybe, I am enjoying a beverage, alone, in a public place, demonstrating my amazing lack of social awkwardness and being satisfied with my own company. I do feel a bit like a traveller sitting here. The same anxieties arose as before. Will I feel suitably comfortable in this cafe... Is there a gorgeous hideaway that I'm missing out on?

Yesterday I finished a beautiful drawing for a close friend. I spent the time drawing dialoguing with myself, encouraging myself to continue, against the doubts, the put downs, the discouraging thoughts of being found out as an imposter... Actually those thoughts are still hanging around. I hid it while I was at the shops looking for a frame. I thrust it at an acquaintance when I saw here, flashing it so quickly she couldn't see it, leaving me distraught that she didn't praise or encourage me.

I wrapped it beautifully, with love and care, then unable to tolerate the anticipation of polite tolerance or smug rejection of my amateur work I gave it a day early... She loved it.

She saw the thoughts.
She saw the time.
She appreciated the honesty, the work.

I'm okay, it's okay, we're okay.

Friday, 22 March 2013

this day

This woman is having a little trouble with holding her stress in her body. 

I will own it... my body aches

my forearms are taught with tension
my shoulders are joined to my neck with rubber bands made of razor blades
and there are bricks, dangling, 
dangling just between my shoulder blades, suspended from a strip of fabric tied around my forehead
providing me with the discomfort of a headache that hasn't gone away for a few weeks now. 

My belly is fully of muck

my diet is slimming
no more gluten.

I need to take good care of this vessel that I live in

indeed, I'm the one who sets the standards as to what goes in
and what comes out.

My words

my art
my breath
my intentions


Funny, I think this, I write this, then I read this from www.nbchiro.com.au:


Below is our simple five step guide to super-charging your health this week.
1. Drink only water this week. That means no coffee or soft drinks.
2. At least 30 mins of exercise everyday. This could be anything ranging from a walk, riding a bike or to more intense exercise such as a gym workout. Either way keep it fun, and mix it up.
3. Eat only non-processed and non packaged foods. In case your wondering that basically rules out 90% of the “food” in your shopping centre other than the fruit, vegetables and meats.
4. Go to bed early. Turn off TV, computer and smart phones. The bright lights and type of activity over stimulates our already hyperactive brains limiting your ability to relax and wind down.
5. Get up and move from your desk every 30 mins. Standing up and stretching will stop the progressive build up of stress and tightness in your body, in particular the neck and shoulders.

Follow these steps for the next 7 days, and I guarantee you will be amazed at the transformation.
It’s that simple. No pills, no fad diets, just common sense. 

Saturday, 16 March 2013

giving then time

For a while now I have been filled with the overwhelming desire to collect all the things I have ever wanted. Almost like time is running out. 


It is not running out but I wonder if it is time to give the little me some time and energy, or just to surround me with images, sensations and memories of what it was to be a little girl. The grief that accompanies not fulfilling the fantasy of childhood, or possibly addressing my desire to fill a childhood with fantastical, delightful, loving creatures and creations. Letting the seeds of these things grow where I may have grown up too quickly...




Sunday, 10 March 2013

yes, now.

I may have found my new rhythm.
Giving in to the beat, expecting less, moving as required...

It's quite fulfilling. 

I'm learning the things I have to do to maintain the flow. They are not so complex. I shall list them.


  • Sleep. Lots of sleep, as much as I need.
  • Use an alarm, with the volume down. There's no need to be assaulted early in the morning. 
  • Play music in the car. Not just any music, beautiful music. 
  • Find evidences of grace. Remember this term. It resonates.
  • Observe my body, observe the ebbs and flows of energy, of emotions. Be present. 
  • Learning the weak points in my days and weeks. Tuesdays are really hard for me. For now, I am going to take extra good care of myself on Tuesdays. 
  • Planning clothes and meals
  • Buying what I need when I need it
  • Being honest with those around me about what I need
  • Recreating my narratives when I tire of the hollow ones
I'm feeling really good. 

I love you. 


Saturday, 23 February 2013

this day

As if to exemplify the confusion and conflicts that lie within I shall outline my day.

This morning I awoke to my alarm,
dressed in a locally and ethically made garment,
looked in the mirror and felt like a somewhat bloated professional goddess,
blended mango from my family's farm with banana from a local market
with chia seeds and soy milk.

I constructed a coffee from beans
sought from my flatmate's place of work
in machines purchased with pure love and trust
to replace the devices introduced by a friend
when he left our home to pursue his dreams.

I traveled in my vehicle
all the way to Woollowin
proud to have learned the way
reflecting all the while on anxious trips in the car
basking in the ease of my mind
and the purposefulness behind my actions.

Self care is central
fundamental
non-negotiable

As I waited
I shared my plans
my path, my experiences
and I was met warmly
wholesomely
I was connected.





































Today I delivered a presentation to thirty of my peers and academics in my field.
I was praised for my frankness
my creativity
my style
my expression
my succinctness
my passion
my skills
my achievements
my dedication

I was happy with how it went.




I drove home and laid down in bed.
I didn't quite know what to do.

I lulled myself to sleep
and dreamed for a few hours.


















I awoke restless
purposeless
hopeless
hating myself
with fury at my body
rehashing disappointments
downplaying achievements
feeling isolated
irritated
alone.

I had gone to sleep and woken up just where I was.























Escapism has its place
As does rest
As does structure























I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
and still sometimes it all fucks up

I am waiting for the day
hoping upon hope
that a time comes when I feel enough
that I have enough
that I do enough
that I am enough

and on this day I am hoping to realise that I don't need someone else to tell me this. 
that I realise it myself. 
that I believe it.
that I feel it. 


















Thursday, 17 January 2013

the maker

'What are you making today?'

Sometimes the questions that I am asked make me blush. The questions I am asked show me so much about what I say to the world about myself... the faces I show, the insight into myself that I allow, sometimes without even knowing. 
















So these last few weeks I've been working on many things... often a new thing every day. I don't think I realised that this was pretty special. 





















I awoke this morning with the idea that I could embroider a design into a work that I'm pondering... it is hanging half finished on my wall. It keeps jumping off in the night, a sure sign that attention is required. 

So, thank you. Thank you for asking your genuine, unintentionally deeply resonating questions.