this day

As if to exemplify the confusion and conflicts that lie within I shall outline my day.

This morning I awoke to my alarm,
dressed in a locally and ethically made garment,
looked in the mirror and felt like a somewhat bloated professional goddess,
blended mango from my family's farm with banana from a local market
with chia seeds and soy milk.

I constructed a coffee from beans
sought from my flatmate's place of work
in machines purchased with pure love and trust
to replace the devices introduced by a friend
when he left our home to pursue his dreams.

I traveled in my vehicle
all the way to Woollowin
proud to have learned the way
reflecting all the while on anxious trips in the car
basking in the ease of my mind
and the purposefulness behind my actions.

Self care is central
fundamental
non-negotiable

As I waited
I shared my plans
my path, my experiences
and I was met warmly
wholesomely
I was connected.

Today I delivered a presentation to thirty of my peers and academics in my field.
I was praised for my frankness
my creativity
my style
my expression
my succinctness
my passion
my skills
my achievements
my dedication

I was happy with how it went.

I drove home and laid down in bed.
I didn't quite know what to do.

I lulled myself to sleep
and dreamed for a few hours.

I awoke restless
purposeless
hopeless
hating myself
with fury at my body
rehashing disappointments
downplaying achievements
feeling isolated
irritated
alone.

I had gone to sleep and woken up just where I was.

Escapism has its place
As does rest
As does structure

I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
and still sometimes it all fucks up

I am waiting for the day
hoping upon hope
that a time comes when I feel enough
that I have enough
that I do enough
that I am enough

and on this day I am hoping to realise that I don't need someone else to tell me this. 
that I realise it myself. 
that I believe it.
that I feel it.